Shopping in a specialized store has some pluses and minuses

Translating the Baffling Euphemisms

I am a big fatty. This is the one area where Internet criticism of me is correct.

canada goose black friday sale Now, canada goose jacket outlet I am not exactly morbidly obese, but I am fat enough to worry about things that fat people worry about, like clothes. The world has not wanted to see fat people naked since the Renaissance, so we are pretty much forced by our fascist society to wear something. I can barely call them “clothes,” however, as canada goose outlet canada much of what’s been canada goose outlet uk sale available for the full figured woman could better be defined as tents, or period costumes, or tablecloths with neck holes cut in the middle. canada goose black friday sale

canada goose store You might think, Well, serves you right for being fat, fatty. Lose some weight if you want to wear nice clothes. Sure, Americans in particular should probably take some responsibility for their weight, but does it benefit any of us, fat or thin, to see that sweater or those floral prints coming down the street at us? canada goose store

Now, there are two places to get larger sized clothes. You can go to a store especially for plus sizes, or you can look for a plus sized section in a regular clothing store. Shopping in a specialized store has some pluses and minuses. The plus is that you have more selection. The minus is that someone might canada goose outlet online uk spot you shopping in a store for fat people and everyone would know you are fat. That is sort of irrational though, unless you normally interact with people from behind a machine like the Wizard of Oz.

Canada Goose sale Anyway, beyond that, the issue is finding one of these stores. When guys want to find a store for abnormally giant men, they can go to a store called Big and Tall or something. There are no women’s stores called Big and Fat or Large Ass Emporium, for obvious reasons. Canada Goose sale

Some less successful store naming ideas.

Canada Goose Coats On Sale Faced with the challenge of coming up with a name that indicates they sell larger sizes, but without actually describing their customers as being overweight or differently sized in any way, most clothing stores just give up. There seem to be three main strategies: Canada Goose Coats On Sale

See Lane Bryant or Ashley Stewart. Who are they? Are they famously large women? Do they dress just like large women? You don’t know. You just go to the mall and see fucking “Lane Bryant” on the store canada goose black friday sale sign. canada goose outlet new york city Sure, all the clothes in the window display are a bit large, but since they’re canada goose outlet nyc also apparently made for grandmothers, you just assume they’re supposed to be shapeless, because that’s canada goose outlet canada goose outlet uk what everyone seems to think old ladies like. As a teen, I walked in there once looking for an interview canada goose outlet shop suit assuming exactly that; that they make stodgy conservative clothes for old people. And what’s better than to look grown up for an interview? It took five minutes of browsing to realize they had nothing smaller than a 14.

buy canada goose jacket cheap See Avenue and Alight. Looking at the number of “random word” stores starting with A, I’m willing to bet they’re going through a dictionary canada goose factory outlet and looking for canada goose outlet reviews the first words that have nothing to do with being fat or any other negative connotation. Unfortunately, as political pundits have taught us, any word can have a negative connotation if you put your mind to it. If you try to figure out why a plus sized store would be named Avenue, the only logical conclusion is that they think their customers are as wide as a street. If you look at Alight that way, all you see canada goose outlet jackets is cruel, cruel sarcasm. buy canada goose jacket cheap

canadian goose jacket Plus sized version of franchises include Torrid (original store: Hot Topic), Macy’s Woman goose outlet canada (Macy’s), Elisabeth (Liz Claiborne), Faith 21 (Forever 21) and Pure Energy (Target). If you weren’t familiar with the names of the original canada goose outlet in usa stores, you wouldn’t even be canada goose outlet online able to tell the difference between which is the regular brand and which is the plus size brand. Seriously, Macy’s, you think adding “Woman” to your name means “fat”? Either that’s misogynistic or they’ve got a Macy’s Man store full of giant Hawaiian shirts. canadian goose jacket

canada goose coats on sale Here’s a translation of somewhat recent jean styles from GAP (they seem to change monthly), which believe it or not I’ve historically found the easiest store to buy jeans at. canada goose coats on sale

Canada Goose Outlet Curvy Fat ass. (For the pear shaped woman.) Canada Goose Outlet

canada goose clearance Straight leg (formerly “Classic”) Fat but too weird shaped to fit into Curvy. canada goose clearance

cheap canada goose uk Perfectly fitting curvy jeans: the large assed woman’s holy grail. cheap canada goose uk

uk canada goose Curvy is actually for a pretty particular shape of fat ass, so when that season’s curvy jeans aren’t catering to canada goose outlet parka you, you have to roll with the “classic,” or some canada goose outlet black friday kind of formless cut, which due to your jutting butt, will just drape over the rest of your legs like a tent and make them look just as thick as your butt. uk canada goose

canada goose uk outlet And you just can’t wear these without the abs. canada goose uk outlet

canada goose uk black friday I love how they are so sensitive about people with short legs that they make up canada goose outlet store uk this fiction that normal sized women are buying “ankle” length jeans because they just feel like changing it up and having some jeans that end somewhere above their ankles. canada goose uk black friday

uk canada goose outlet I’m starting to think maybe the whole capris trend was really an effort to cater to ladies with really, really short legs that was way too subtle, so everyone thought they were really supposed to wear them as actual short pants. This has canada goose outlet toronto factory probably been the fashion industry’s little inside joke for the past decade. uk canada goose outlet

Ashton Kutcher has himself been punk’d this whole time.

Outside of GAP specific terms, other stores also have their own indecipherable names for certain body shapes. For example, “petite” is the code word for “short legs.” Technically it’s supposed to be for all smaller women, but overall tiny women usually just get size 0’s, those jerks. Women buying “petite” sizes are usually just shrunk down vertically and not so much horizontally, created by God to balance a population that contained Manute Bol.

canada goose coats And last but not least, there is “goddess size,” found at many fantasy clothes, Wiccan clothes and period costume suppliers, which is so far past the line that I would actually be less embarrassed buying a dress sized “Oink.” canada goose coats

And it’s not limited to heavy girls, as any snapshot of any fan convention or LARP game could probably canada goose outlet store tell you that most human beings have a hard time noticing discrepancies between what they look like and the fantasy image they think they look official canada goose outlet like.

Canada Goose online So to sum up: If you’re overweight and female, you’ve got to know your shape, hunt through random stores’ inventory to canada goose outlet figure out if they sell plus sizes, decipher the code words that store uses for body shapes through trial and error, and repeat that all over again for every store you go to Canada Goose online.